Pleasing People vs. Pleasing God

Bret McCallum

In light of the gospel, our goal in life should be to please God. Sadly, because God is unseen, many place more weight on pleasing others than on pleasing God. When it comes to relating to others, we do not want to be rude, tactless or careless, especially towards non-believers who we hope to influence with the gospel. Many papers could be written to people who struggle with such sins.

However, a large percentage of people struggle with the serious problem on the other end of the spectrum. People-pleasing: Placing the opinions of others over that of God’s. This often manifests itself by going through the motions, either to avoid tension or because they’re doing what they’re “supposed to do” without true conviction. This is often done while hiding secret thoughts and intentions such as resentment or manipulative ulterior motives. The point is, people pleasers aren’t being fully open and real about their true selves. Instead, they are putting forward a certain image. This issue is not a temperamental quirk or something people are born with. It is a serious issue that Scripture speaks to repeatedly.

As you read through this study, write down your personal insights and thoughts as you read God’s word.

Key Passages That Speak to People-Pleasing

Genesis 3:6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.

• In The Silence of Adam, Larry Crabb points out that Adam had communicated God’s truth to Eve. She was deceived by the serpent (1 Timothy 2:14), but Adam knew full well what was going on. Yet he decided to say nothing and go along with her desire, rather than with God’s truth, making him a passive failure as a man and husband. Is it too far of a stretch to say that Adam’s people-pleasing toward Eve was at the very core of the fall of the human race? If he had simply stepped up to fight for truth and go against his wife’s mistaken desire, could things have turned out differently?

Exodus 32:21-25 Finally, he turned to Aaron and demanded, “What did these people do to you to make you bring such terrible sin upon them?” “Don’t get so upset, my lord,” Aaron replied. “You yourself know how evil these people are. They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.’ So I told them, ‘Whoever has gold jewelry, take it off.’ When they brought it to me, I simply threw it into the fire — and out came this calf!” Moses saw that Aaron had let the people get completely out of control, much to the amusement of their enemies.

• Aaron’s hilarious response shows a typical trend of people-pleasers. They may have done something really wrong — but only because they were pressured by the need to make everyone else happy. Therefore, in their minds, it’s really not their fault. Aaron seems more concerned with Moses being upset with him than the rebellion that had taken place. People-pleasers can tend to be soft and let things get out of control around them due to being allergic to healthy tension.

1 Samuel 15:24 Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned; I have indeed transgressed the command of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and listened to their voice.”

• This sin of blatantly ignoring God’s word in his life (which appears to be a result of people-pleasing) caused Saul to lose his position as king, and it began a downward spiritual spiral in his life. He also feigned repentance by acting like a victim of the people’s voice instead of humbly accepting responsibility for his actions and repenting — a common tactic of people-pleasers.

1 Samuel 15:30 Then Saul pleaded again, “I know I have sinned. But please, at least honor me before the elders of my people and before Israel by coming back with me so that I may worship the Lord your God.”

• Saul’s main objective was to preserve his image before the elders. He even said, “The Lord your God,” showing that this worship is mainly for appearance.

Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hates those it crushes, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

• Often people-pleasers trade the temporary benefits of telling people what they think they want to hear for the eternal benefit of being truthful no matter the cost.

Proverbs 28:23 In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.

• One sad irony is that people-pleasers believe their tactics will result in being liked more by others. Not true! People prefer those who say what they mean and mean what they say, even if it involves healthy tension.

Proverbs 29:5 A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps.

• People-pleasers talk a good talk, but there is an underlying motive to manipulate others for personal gain.

Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

• The fear of being disliked is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who are too weak-willed to share their true selves or who perform attention-seeking behavior to be praised often are not well liked. The antidote is placing God back on the pedestal in your heart.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.

• The vertical perspective is the only path that is not a dead end according to Solomon’s many efforts to pursue other ways of life.

Matthew 6:1-2 “Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.”

Matthew 6:16-18 “Whenever you fast, do not put on a gloomy face as the hypocrites do, for they neglect their appearance so that they will be noticed by men when they are fasting. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But you, when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face so that your fasting will not be noticed by men, but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”

• People-pleasing is motivated by being noticed by others for being “good.” According to Jesus, this is hypocrisy. His solution? He calls instead for a deep inner life with God.

Matthew 11:18-19 “For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, ‘He has a demon!’ The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Behold, a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.”

• Jesus saw how impossible it was to please everyone. No matter what you do, some will disagree. We need to act with integrity. That is how we will be vindicated.

Matthew 14:6-11 But when Herod’s birthday came, the daughter of Herodias danced before them and pleased Herod, so much that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she asked. Having been prompted by her mother, she said, “Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist.” Although he was grieved, the king commanded it to be given because of his oaths, and because of his dinner guests. He sent and had John beheaded in the prison. And his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother.

• Herod didn't believe it was right to behead John. He didn't want to do it. He felt bad about doing it. But because he wanted to please the girl and the dinner guests, he went against his beliefs—even to the extent of murdering a righteous man. People-pleasers will do even heinous things resentfully thinking they will succeed in getting people to like them more.

Matthew 23:5-7 “But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments. They love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men.”

• Jesus despised the Pharisees’ use of religion to create an image that ultimately was designed to glorify self.

Mark 7:6-8 And He said to them, “Rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written: ‘This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far away from Me. But in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.’ Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the tradition of men.”

• People-pleasers focus on the horizontal perspective of what will look good to others at the expense of the vertical perspective of aligning their hearts to God.

Mark 15:14-15 But Pilate said to them, “Why, what evil has He done?” But they shouted all the more, “Crucify Him!” Wishing to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas for them, and after having Jesus scourged, he handed Him over to be crucified.

• People-pleasers do not develop or stick with personal convictions when faced with enough perceived pressure from others to do what they want. People-pleasers are capable of detestable deeds due to this flaw. This is no small sin. We see here that Jesus, God in human form, was tortured and murdered by a people-pleaser.

Luke 6:26 “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way.”

• Although pleasing everyone is impossible, imagine for a moment that a conniving people-pleaser succeeded in getting everyone to like and speak well of him. Well, according to Jesus, “Woe!” to such a person. This is not something we should even want.

John 5:41 “Your approval means nothing to me.”

• By this point, the religious leaders had started plotting to kill him. Even so, this was Jesus’ response. Jesus is the master, our example to follow. And he didn’t need the approval of people one bit.

John 5:44 “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?”

• Jesus put these in sharp contrast — seeking glory from others is incompatible with belief in and seeking glory from God.

John 12:42-43 Nevertheless many even of the rulers believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God.

• Maybe these rulers failed to cultivate genuine saving faith in God, which would tragically mean their people-pleasing sent them to hell. Or they are in heaven right now, regretting the cowardice they exhibited by choosing to be people-pleasers in this life.

Acts 4:19 “Which is right in God's eyes? To listen to you or to him? You be the judges!”

• Like Jesus, Peter and John displayed the same boldness when threatened for public preaching. Being a God-pleaser means standing up for the truth even when it is scary, even to people who are trying to silence you.

Romans 2:28-29 A person is not a Jew who is one only outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a person’s praise is not from other people, but from God.

• True faith prioritizes praise from God over other people.

Romans 14:17-18 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.

• If we serve Christ, we please God first and also gain human approval. There’s nothing wrong with winning approval from people, as long as serving God is our focus. A byproduct of Spirit-led service is making an impact on people that leaves them thankful. But this is not the main goal in and of itself at the expense of all else. One irony for people-pleasers is that they don't succeed in pleasing people. They fake their way until they are smoked out as a fraud, causing frustration among those close to them.

Romans 15:1-3 Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.”

• Reflect on this: What are differences between what Paul is describing here and sinful people-pleasing as laid out in the other verses in this paper?

1 Corinthians 4:3-5 But to me it is a very small thing that I may be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted; but the one who examines me is the Lord. Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God.

• We should not be controlled by what other people think about us. Our value is not based on exalting our status above others. Our focus needs to be receiving praise from God.

2 Corinthians 4:1-2 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, we never give up. We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.

• People-pleasers hide their true thoughts and intentions in their crafty ways. God-pleasers are more genuine.

2 Corinthians 5:9 Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.

2 Corinthians 5:14 For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died.

• Loving God is the cure to people-pleasing.

2 Corinthians 10:12 For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding.

• People-pleasers tend to define themselves based on how they compare to others. This is a futile, meaningless pursuit.

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

• People-pleasing is counter-productive to our goal of living for God’s purposes.

Galatians 2:11-13 When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.

• People-pleasers fear losing face. This can lead to presenting a dishonest version of yourself, which Paul defines as blatant hypocrisy. Not only is this sinful, but it also has a corrupting influence on your community, causing ripple effects of phoniness.

Colossians 1:10 …so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.

Colossians 3:22 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.

• Our quest is to learn how to please God, honor him and work hard for him. This starts with a mental effort to set our minds on him, not others.

1 Thessalonians 2:3-4 For our exhortation does not come from error or impurity or by way of deceit; but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who examines our hearts.

• People-pleasing is associated with dishonesty, corruption and falsehood.

1 Thessalonians 4:1 Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you excel still more.

2 Timothy 2:4 No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.

Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

1 John 3:22 …and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.

• Look at the pattern of the four verses above. We need to continue to grow in our desire to please God above all else if we will have lasting victory over the trap of people pleasing. If we loved him more than we loved advancing our own reputation, we’d be in a great spot.

Revelation 3:1 “I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead.”

• God sees through the phony attempts of people-pleasers to craft a better reputation than what is true on the inside.

Questions for Reflection

• It’s hard to read through all of these verses without feeling convicted of people-pleasing. What is one or two passages that spoke to you? Reflect on those passages this week and ask God to speak to you further by meditating on these verses.
• What is a practical step you could take today to allow God to work in you in this area? What is a practical step you could take this week? How will you know if you’ve accomplished these goals?
• What is an ongoing practice you could incorporate into your life to help with people-pleasing?